Everything You've Kept Inside
by iliketocolor
Summary: A continuation of WelcomeToMyHouseOfMirrors 's Merlin fanfic. Merlin's depression has been eating him alive and the people closest to him begin to notice. They're not sure how to help, but secrets are released and Merlin tries to understand what's become of him. TW: Self-harm


**This is the continuation of Welcome To My House of Mirror 's fics**

**As the Sun Fades ** s/9556655/1/As-the-Sun-Fades **and**

**No Light, No Light ** s/9569447/1/No-Light-No-Light

**I don't suppose you_ have_ to read them first, but you really should. Plus, if you're looking for depressed Merlin fics, they're right there.**

* * *

Lancelot gave Merlin a week. He hadn't mentioned it to the young man, but he kept track on his own. If Merlin didn't talk to Gaius within a week, Lancelot was planning on doing something, he just wasn't sure what. The person Merlin had become scared the knight and he quietly observed Merlin.

Merlin had several sleepless nights after Lancelot pulled him away from the ledge. He really wasn't planning on jumping, but he just kind of liked the idea of accidentally falling. As he lay awake at night, he thought about talking to Gaius. He wasn't sure there was really any point in talking about his problems though. It wasn't like he had a lot to be miserable about. He had friends who cared; even he and Arthur were as close to friends as a servant and master could be. He was just tired.

He continued to serve Arthur and work for Gaius. He tried harder to keep up an illusion that he was getting better. The lying and forced smiles took all his energy from him each day and the fact that his cuts were getting deeper and more frequent was not lost on him.

After the situation with Gwaine and Arthur, followed by the talk with Lancelot, Merlin took to locking his chamber door every night and releasing the blood from his veins. It let him feel alive for a moment as the pain replaced the numb nothingness that had enveloped his being.

Over the week, Arthur wasn't sure what to do with his servant. He hadn't enjoyed the brief confrontation he and Gwaine had with Merlin; Arthur didn't know what to say. He'd never imagined Merlin, of all people, hurting himself for no reason. Arthur was quiet with Merlin. He gave orders calmly and tried to cut back on the usual teasing and banter they usually had.

It was a couple days later that he met with Gwaine alone to talk about what they were supposed to do. He would never admit it, but he kind of saw Merlin as a friend, and he relied on Merlin more than he probably should.

"Gwaine, how have you been?" Arthur said, letting the knight into his chambers.

"I've been fine Prince Arthur. Just continuously worried about Merlin. I'm guess that's why we're here."

Arthur sighed and fell back into his chair. "I don't know what to do with him. It's like he's a ghost who brings me food and occasionally polishes my armor. I need Merlin back."

Gwaine nodded and relaxed his posture a bit. "I noticed Lancelot watching him the other day. I spoke with him about it and he said he found Merlin sitting on the castle wall several days ago. He's worried too."

"We have to find out what's bothering him… I never imagined a servant would have such troubles, but we need to help him."

* * *

A week had passed and Lancelot wasn't sure that things were getting any better. Merlin seemed to be slightly better, he certainly wasn't sulking high on castle walls, but he still seemed lifeless. While Merlin was serving dinner to Arthur, Lancelot made his way to see Gaius, hoping the man was around.

"Gaius," he asked as he opened the door.

"Ah, yes, Lancelot. What can I help you with?" Gaius looked up from a book and put down the vial he had in his hand, giving his attention to the knight.

"It's about Merlin actually." Lancelot closed the door behind him and walked further into the room.

"He's not here at the moment-"

"No, I was hoping to speak to you about Merlin."

"Oh." Gaius seemed slightly intrigued. "Not getting into any trouble I hope."

"Quite the opposite, really. I was wondering if he'd spoken to you this week about anything currently troubling him." Lancelot took a seat on the stool in front of the fireplace.

"I can't say that he has. He's been rather quiet lately. He seems to be busy with tasks from Arthur most of the time."

"I see… Well, Merlin… I think Merlin needs a bit of help from you."

"I'm not sure what you mean…"

"Haven't you noticed he's been a bit off lately?"

"Well, yes actually. The boy does have some troubles, but he usually comes to me when he needs. I've helped him through quite a lot and I've trusted him to know when the time comes for intervention."

"I think he maybe has lost that knowledge recently. I found him sitting atop the castle wall a week ago, looking as though he was going to let himself fall off."

Gaius didn't respond, but he seemed slightly taken aback by this information. He didn't like the idea of Merlin falling into such a deep place inside himself. Gaius had seen many warlocks become twisted versions of who they once were simply because they became consumed by an empty desire to destroy themselves.

"I will speak to him tonight Lancelot. Thank you for keeping an eye on him."

Lancelot smiled and patted Gaius's shoulder as he stood up. "Yes, of course Gaius. Do let me know how things turn out or if you should need anything."

Merlin returned that night surprised that Gaius was still awake. Merlin had finished with Arthur about an hour earlier and so he walked around the west side of the castle along the high wall where he could overlook the city. It was peaceful there and he had never been bothered at that time of night.

"Merlin! Good to see you boy." Gaius said as Merlin entered the room.

"Yes, good evening Gaius. What are you still doing up at this hour?" Merlin had no desire to force conversation anymore. He simply wanted to let his blood flow from his arm before falling asleep and waking up the next morning to repeat his day over again.

"Please, Merlin, sit with me for a moment." Gaius took a seat at their small dining table and waited for Merlin to join him. "It seems you've been a cause for concern around here recently."

Merlin just stared at the fire behind Gaius and let the old man ramble on.

"I need you to tell me what's been going on with you."

"Nothing Gaius. Things are fine. I think I'm just overworked."

"Merlin… I've been around for quite some time now. I've seen powerful men, women, and warlocks fall into places inside themselves that they could not escape… I fear that if you let yourself continue like this, the world will lose its greatest man."

"Arthur would survive without his precious manservant." Merlin spoke quietly.

"No… I don't speak of Arthur. You Merlin, you know your destiny. You are far greater than any man who has ever walked this earth, and you, are the one that must survive."

Merlin knew his destiny very well. He faced it every moment of every day, he just wasn't sure he agreed with it anymore. He didn't really agree with life anymore. "I just don't understand what's happened Gaius…"

"You don't need to face your destiny alone Merlin. I am here to teach and guide you as much as I can. You will soon surpass my skills, but right now, I do know how to help you."

Merlin felt tears building up behind his eyes and he wanted the conversation to be over now. He wished he had been better at hiding himself from everyone. He nodded to Gaius and stood up.

"Yes, well. I'm rather tired right now. Would it be alright to do this in the morning?"

Gaius stood up as well and smiled. "Of course. Sleep well, Merlin."

The men parted ways and Merlin fell onto his bed as soon as his door was shut. He quietly cut his arm open four times before he let himself drift into a fitful sleep. He had no idea what was going to happen to him next, but he wasn't sure he'd like it.

* * *

The next morning, Merlin was woken up to a loud knock on his door. It wasn't Gaius's usual knock and Merlin was slightly confused. There wasn't really any reason for someone to be knocking on his door unless… he was late.

"Merlin!" Arthur shouted from behind the door.

Merlin was glad his door was locked as he looked at his arm. He quickly changed out of his shirt that now had slight blood stains on the sleeves and put on his next cleanest shirt before opening the door.

"Sorry sire, I didn't realize it was so late."

"Merlin, you're not late. We're early."

Merlin raised an eyebrow in confusion. He looked behind Arthur and saw Lancelot, Gwaine, and Gaius sitting at the dining table eating breakfast. It was most unusual, but he was already completely lost at what was happening around him. He wasn't entirely sure he wasn't dreaming.

"Come have something to eat Merlin," Gwaine said as Arthur moved away from Merlin's door.

"Not really all that hungry-"

"Nonsense, long day ahead. You'll need to eat." Lancelot said as he took another bite of his red apple.

Arthur gently pushed Merlin forward before going back to his own place at the table.

"I'm sorry, but what is going on here?" Merlin asked as he accepted an apple from Gaius.

"Well, we're first going to figure out what's wrong with you, and then we're going on a hunt." Arthur said with a smile.

"Sounds delightful." Merlin said sarcastically.

"Merlin," Gaius said quietly. "I'm afraid I'm going to need to see your arms before you leave."

A panic rose up in Merlin's gut and he swallowed his bite of apple before glancing around at the men in the room. Lancelot had stopped mid chew and Gwaine set down his fork as he finished chewing his eggs. Arthur sat staring at Merlin as if he'd been given a royal order. Gauis watched Merlin, gauging a reaction. "I don't really think that's entirely necessary." Merlin let out a fake laugh trying to cover his nervousness.

"Actually, it's more than necessary Merlin. You don't understand how… important… it is to fix this immediately. You particularly… are more at risk of certain problems…" Gaius was trying to tiptoe around the mention of magic, but if what Arthur and Gwaine had told him this morning was true, Merlin was in far more danger than Gaius realized. "I can't let you leave here until we deal with this."

Merlin sighed. He let the realization that this was actually happening sink in. He averted his gaze from everyone and slowly rolled up his sleeve, displaying his gruesome arm for the men to see.

His forearm was red with dried blood from the night before and the cuts were scabbing over angrily. The previous cuts were anywhere from white to pink to red as they tried to heal and disappear into the paleness of his skin.

Arthur sighed and ran his hand over his face. Lancelot threw out his apple and Gaius shook his head in disbelief as he got up to get the supplies he needed.

"Merlin, why are you still doing this to yourself?" Arthur asked exasperated.

"I…"

"And don't you dare say you don't know. This has to stop. I have to know what's going on."

"I'm afraid the prince is right Merlin." Gaius said as he sat down with his remedies. "You must tell him everything."

Merlin raised his eyebrows in surprise. That was the last thing he'd expected. "As in… everything?"

Gaius nodded and took Merlin's arm in his hands, gently cleaning it. "Everything. There are things you don't know about the nature of who you are and I must tell you now. I can't do that unless you tell him everything. He must know his destiny that is entwined with yours."

"Merlin…" Arthur said gently but expectantly.

"Arthur… I… have magic." Merlin confessed, not looking away from the prince.

"You what?" Arthur looked at his knights, neither of whom looked as shocked as he was.

"I'm a warlock; destined to protect you and help you reach your potential as King of Camelot and bring peace to the kingdom." Merlin sighed, feeling slightly better but also anxious.

"I don't understand. Magic is evil…"

"You know it's not. I've only ever used my magic to protect you. I've been buried under the weight of our shared destiny and I've hated lying to you. I've hated having to hide and fight to make decisions that affect the future without telling anyone else what was happening."

Everyone was silent for a while as the prince contemplated what his world had suddenly become.

"So… you've secretly been a warlock all this time, lying to me, sneaking around… all because we're supposed to unite the kingdom?"

"Basically, yes." Merlin winced slightly as Gaius poured a dark purple liquid into Merlin's cuts.

"And you all knew about this?" Arthur asked, glancing at the others.

"Yeah, pretty much." Gwaine admitted, taking another forkful of eggs.

"I don't know how to feel about all of that right now Merlin. I… I just think that if telling the truth is going to get you back, then fine. We'll figure out our destiny together."

Merlin gave a small smile and felt relief spread through his chest. He felt tears of relief fall down his cheeks and he was slightly embarrassed as he wiped them away.

"Good. You're a good man, Arthur," Gaius said as he replaced the cap on his vial and wrapped Merlin's arm. "Now Merlin, I need to explain why you've fallen so far from who you were."

"Please do."

"As we all noticed, you have fallen into a depression. Yours came so quickly and so harshly because of how powerful you are… Because you've had to hide your magic and use it sparingly in secret, it's been eating you alive. It forced the depression you already developed because of stress and circumstance to trap you and completely overtake every aspect of your being. I had hoped when you came here to learn from me that it would be enough, but your powers are far too great, you needed more than what you were getting. You should get better as long as you take the medicine I give you for several months and you practice your magic more often."

"Wait, so just how powerful are you Merlin?" Arthur interrupted. Lancelot and Gwaine perked up too, wondering the answer as well.

Gaius smiled. "Merlin is the most powerful warlock who has ever lived."

* * *

**The End**

**AN: So that was just what I could whip up in an hour or so. I haven't written for Merlin because I hadn't really focused on the characters as much as I have for the other fics I've written. But **Welcome to my house of Mirrors **wanted some other people to write sequels and I needed to take a break from the other story I've been working on. So this was my in the moment thing. Sorry if it's not all that great. It was kind of fun to just write and not rely on the actual show so much.**


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